Underneath My Eyes, My Face.

Hard ground
Nothing new though.
I want to stand and melt into the earth.
Then the sky could rock me back and forth.
And I could drift to sleep.
Eyes are open now.
And the earth is still beneath me.
Rock me to sleep please.
Turn off the lights.
And I'll dream for you.

I don't know. Maybe.

We all need something to distract us from ourselves. I use school and music and homework. And then I repeat. I don't know. I lost myself a few weeks ago. I've given up looking. And now I'm stuck. Maybe when I do eventually find myself, I won't like who I am. I'll be... I don't know. Bad. God wouldn't let me be that, would he? I'm so scared. We choose to be who we are. Right? I don't know. Anything. But what if I'm on the completely wrong path? What if finding ourselves is not what we're supposed to do? What if we're supposed to create ourselves completely. I've tried that though. I don't know where to start. I need just one step. A clue to help me find my body. And sanity. My talents don't help. They just tell me who I am physically. What about my inside? My feelings. Someone help please. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just over-reacting and maybe none of this makes sense. All I can do is keep distracting myself. School. Music. Homework.


Repeat.

Okay, So I Have a Tiny Obsession.

I am completely obsessed with a band called Jack's Mannequin. If you can't already tell. This is what I do during school. I like doodling, a lot.

The Colors Of A Television Killed My Body

The world spit out hot colors

And they sparked a fire in my heart.

But the fire burned down my body

So my soul lay helpless on the earth.

My heart heaved a breath and with it came nails.

While God sent a hammer down on a cloud

So there lay my soul, still with the dirt

Snow danced to its rescue and now I'm anew.

He gave me a step or, rather, my hands.

Build myself up from there.

Tonight, love and hands are my body.

-I'll write again when I write again, Olivia.

The Middle Is Cold, Or Maybe That's Just Winter.

I haven't written in a little. There's not much to say though. I'm still in between places. I don't know what those places are. Maybe that's why I'm in between. I'll let you know when I'm out of the middle.

The Blue Sea Hurt My Day(Cont.)

A window flies open and calls itself Real.
Every peice of sparkling life jumps into it and smiles.
While we sit together by a pond and dance along the mud
"Traitors" they sing but we take our breaths and jump away.
Abyss called affection, a cracked mirror perfection.
Tonight that's where we dream.

So Backwards walks up to us and kisses our cheeks
And night time flies over with star-like antiques.
Just don't hurt the clouds because Day needs them as jewels
But Harmony ran away with my red piano stool.

War is what we need , they said.
A war with kills and wounds and dead.
Though dreams are our food and you are the plate
We can't stop Inevitable and his daughter named Hate.

(second verse to come)
Battle made eclipse, an arm's race by ships.
Tonight that's where we sleep.

So Order walks up to us and slaps our cheeks
And night time flies over with knife-like antiques.
Now the clouds won't stop bleeding and Day's got red jewels
Because Harmony won't fly back, on my red piano stool.

This is what we need, they said.
These kills and wounds and innocent dead.
Though dreams are our food and peace is the plate
We can't stop Inevitable and his daughter named Hate.

The Blue Sea Hurt My Day.

A window flies open and calls itself Real.
Every peice of sparkling life jumps into it and smiles.
While we sit together by a pond and dance along the mud
Traitors they sing but we take our breaths and jump away.
Abyss called affection, a cracked mirror perfection.
Tonight that's where we dream.

So Backwards walks up to us and kisses our cheeks
And night time flies over with star-like antiques.
Just don't hurt the clouds because Day needs them as jewels
But Harmony ran away with my red piano stool.

-More to come I think.

A Beauty That Chills Our Souls.

Night is running towards us.

The sky is done celebrating.

Now it mourns in pain,

With deep, purple bruises resting on its face

And blood streaming over its arms.

How warm it looks.

While our throats frost,

Heaved with cold.

Selfish sky.

Forever unwilling to wrap its warm arms around our bodies.

Unpractical in its ways

But yet so beautiful.

The arrogance strikes us hard,

But we find ourselves too conscious with its loveliness.

And though we sit and stare in cold,

We must know there's something more behind our imperious sky.

-Olivia.

Jagged Clocks and Five Inch Rulers.

I finally think that I've lost my sense of time. A year and a day seem to mean the same thing to me now and I think a part of me likes it. I like the fact time passes unevenly now. I can go through a few weeks of life without noticing a change and then all of the sudden I realize the date. I know that time passes in the same way no matter how much our minds contradict it but it's sort of nice how days can pass seemingly quicker. Now I have no idea what this means. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm sort of losing my voice and my original thoughts that causes me to forget each day individually. Or maybe it's that I feel the same feelings day after day that makes time seem all the same. I don't want to forget myself for days at a time but I don't want to feel grief for long hours on hours either. Sometimes I even forget why I want time to pass so quickly. Why I don't just want to sit and enjoy the smaller things that highschool brings me. And then I remember why I wait so impatiently. I wait for summer. I think because summer offers me a shred of hope that people from lost memories will wander back to me. That's everything my heart knows and sometimes my mind seems to agree with it.

Also, it's getting harder for me to tell the difference between the shallow emotions I feel at school and such and the deeper emotions I feel. Is this because I'm forgetting? Afterall, I can't hold onto the memories forever. My memory is like ruler. I can't measure my whole life. This scares me to death. But I'm not going to think about that now, it's too early in the night.

Until I decide to chain myself to the computer agian, this has been a girl who wishes that she lived in a place where no one left too soon at 5:55 next evening.

A Life's Emotion

What we know is only a small portion of everything that fills our lives.
The words we use can sometimes be contemplated in different ways
In our minds we understand good and bad
And all the words used to describe those two things.
Every word we say or write or think
I believe is put together in a way that can be seen as beautiful.
Whether it be by the writer
Or by those who turn the words into something they love.
That, to me, is poetry.
Connecting together words that may or may not make sense to anyone else but the writer
But when the reader sees them
They change the words into something that reflects what they sincerely believe.
Everyone places their confidence in poetry
As it either reveals itself to the world
Or secretes itself to darkness.
Poetry passes the life of the writer
Onto those who have the courage to read on.
Every word we speak is seen by others in different ways
So I believe that it is in poetry we find love
And it is through words we find a life’s emotion.

I'm not quite sure what this is yet.

Scratches On My Skin.

I feel like I'm living in two different sides of myself. It's sort of like I have two different types of emotions. The happys and sads, I feel with my school and friends life and then the deeper emotions that I feel on more of a personal level. It's like the pain I feel on the school and friends side barely scratches the surface of my skin. But the pain I feel personally lives deep down under my skin. This personal level consists of something bigger than me. I don't know if it's love or if it's just the grief of missing someone. But I do know that it's there. And it's been there since a few summers ago. I know that it changed me. And I know that the emotions I feel because of it are so much deeper rooted than those of teenage dissapointments and adolescent excitement. Everyday I dive into that world called youth and I try my hardest to distract myself from what lies underneath my skin. I guess it's just spare time like this when I really start to think and miss. But I'm going to stop myself before I get too far(and too sappy).

Until the future this has been a girl who doesn't feel like wishing tonight.

Sorting Out Blanks (In My Head)

Once agian, I have no idea how to start this next post. I guess I'll just let it become whatever it becomes. I've decided not to talk about my personal/social life at all on this blog. Later on I might change my mind but for now I'd rather not bore you.

I have to say that this blog is helping me. I'm getting better at letting myself out to others. Sometimes I'll just say what I'm thinking in mid conversation. Or I'll say something that they find unusual. But it's not really unusual, it's just me. For now, I'm just letting myself slip to my friends. But maybe in a long while I'll be able to let a little bit of myself slip to everyone and then they may think of me differently. Time seems to wrap around every aspect of my life. I don't mean the time in a minute or even a day. But more the time of a year, maybe months, or even more years. Those amounts of time grab hold of every goal I have and every aspect that I live for. Everything I want seems so far away from me now and it's time that stands in the way. Perhaps when I'm older, I'll be able to live for the next day or accomplish my goals within the hour. I know this may not make any sense to you and if it doesn't then don't try and understand. If it doesn't, I hope that somehow you will be able to mold the words in this post to fit your life and to relate to yourself. I guess what I'm saying is make of this post whatever you want of it because maybe it will help you sort yourself out too.

Until I'm not sure when, this has been a girl who wishes that she could pass time like an hourglass at 4:44 in the dark.

Two Thousand Miles Away

Impossible girl
Who lays her heart in a labyrinth of steel.
Already two thousand miles away
While the voices of her past and present escape her lost mind.
She dwindles on every moment not taken from her
Finding her soul then running away with it.
All thoughts of the somewhat real world she lives in are lost in the woods
And she goes only where she knows
Two thousand miles away.

Just something I wrote. More to come, from a girl who wishes for others this time at 1:11 in the night.

A Name and A Summer

I'm not in a very bloggy sort of mood today but I guess I'll try and write out something interesting for you. Maybe I should try and explain the name I chose for this blog to you. Well, here goes. I wish I lived in a room named oblivion. It's an odd name probably, but it does have some significance to me. You see, about two years ago I sort of lost myself in the whirlwhind of junior high. I was trying to be everything; cool, pretty, and lots more. I was dumb and naive and I got my heart and my self esteem broken, big time. Now readers please don't go on and think that I'm some depressed highschooler who just needs a place to vent(i.e. this blog). These are actual acounts of my life and actual beliefs and thoughts that I have. And I am no where near depressed! Actually I'm quite satisfied with my character. But anyways, the point is that I was crushed. That summer I got into a play at a local summer-stock theatre(I know it's cheesy, but acting and singing are two of my biggest passions). This was a huge deal to me because getting a part at this theatre as a kid was a great accomplishment especially becase this was an adult theatre that hired interns from all around the country. So I went to the practices and because I was the only child in the show(ok, so there was another boy in it with me but I was the only 13 year old girl in the play so I was pretty alone...and shy)I was pretty scared to death of everyone else. But during the short duration that I was in the show I met one of the most amazing people I have ever met and will probably ever meet in my future. I don't want to go into any details because I'm working on this new thing where I don't spill my life story out to starngers but I will say that after I met this person my veiw of the world changed forever. I started to change too. Before I met him, I was completly unaware of how shallow my life actually was at that time. I was completly unaware of where my bad character was leading me or how I was treating others. I was completly unaware of how blissfully unhappy I actually was(I know that I implyed that the end of 7th grade was rough for me, but really my problems were nothing compared the huge problems of real people) with my shower deep life. He lived far away but he promised that he would come back next year-and I believed him. After all, I was only thirteen. So I lived my eighth grade year for the better, for him. I got closer to my faith and I bettered myself as a person. I missed him a lot too though and I could suddenly see the big picture of my small life in a huge world. Often I would wish that I was still completly oblivious to how unhappy I was before that summer. I wished that I was still thinking as small as all the other kids in my grade. He didn't come back this summer. And I did. So I sopose that when I named this blog I was missing him and wishing that I still lived in a room named oblivion.

Until I write some more, this has been a girl who wishes that she could jump on an airplane and fly through herself to get to him, at 5:55 in the evening.

Smalltalk and Idle Gossip

So I guess i realized why I'm writing this blog now. It's mostly because of fear i guess. The place that I live in is filled with drama and stupidity and naivity(highschool). And I absolutly refuse to get dragged into a world of shallow words that are spoken despite later regrets. The big picture. That's what I try to see everyday. Not what other kids are fighting about or about what to wear but more about things that are going to effect the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like there is this complete, "grown up", and far away world passing me by at 100 miles per hour. And there's nothing I can do to stop it. Instead I have to sit through bleak conversations made up of smalltalk and idle gossip. But back to that fear that I have(please take note that I get off subject extremely easily). I'm desperatly afraid that one day I'll wake up and all that I will care about will be friends and my social life. Stupid little things that make up a whole highschool full of oblivious students to what else is out there. I'm not saying that everyone I know is like this but from my perspective it seems like it. I'm writing this blog to stay true to myself and to keep my "big picture" thoughts very much in tact. I just don't want to lose any of the depth that I keep inside me. That's all really.

Until I get back to this box with all my thoughts, this has been a girl who wishes she could speak just as she thought at 2:22 in the morning.

So let me just explain myself.

I'm not really sure why I'm doing this. Starting this blog i mean. I've never been one to express myself. Maybe Im just tired of narrating my life only in my head. And I know that this isn't really explaining myself, but i still felt the need to start this blog with a sort of opening, Instead of just begining to write you the small story of my life. I'm not going to give you the full story of my past, But maybe if you stick around you'll find a few pieces unravel while reading. I will tell you this though, my past is what made me the girl I am today. But more specifically it was one summer of my past that me me who I am. So perhaps tommorrow I'll begin to record my life onto a webpage. It depends where I find myself.

Until then, I hope you have enjoyed the very first post of a girl who wishes for wit at 11:11 tonight.