Even Trees Overthink Things.

sometimes I feel like you can see right through me.
I thought I was deeper than that.
but with you I'm just a peice of paper.
you make me nervous.

why won't spring just come?
I can't keep guessing.

Hypocrisy Is What Makes Me Human

that place is quiet
but this place is hollow.
i'm running out of happiness.
i want to cry.
but crying is an emotoon.
and i should be thankful for that.

The Atlantic Got Your Body and the Cold Got Mine.

Got the best of me
got the life of me
left the rest of me
hanging on a doorstep.
Turn the light on please
I can hardly breath
cause your eyes are seas
and titanic's sinking.

So i cried for you
but the ocean ate my tears.
And I'm dying too,
waste deep in fears.
While titanic's singing.
Sinking for me.

Cars are passing by
headlight stars in my eyes.
But my mind is drowning on a ship.
Sinking ship, sinking life
What's the difference?

So i cried for you
but the ocean ate my tears
and I'm dying too
waste deep in fears.
While titanic's singing.
Sinking for me.

Oh it's so cold here in the Atlantic.
too cold for thinking.
for loving.
And oh I can't keep searching
because your body's already at the bottom.
And I'm here forever in between

So i cried for you
but the ocean ate my tears
And I'm dying too
throat deep in fears.
While titanic's singing.
Trapped in an ocean for me.

Writing Things Down Makes Them Absolute, Not Sensible.

Stupid mistakes. Yet we make them still. Despite their stupidity. It's like I crave to be complex or something. Like I can't stand just being happy on a normal, first floor level. I have to have a complication that makes me... I don't know... different, I guess. I try and go with things. Just forget and be happy. Not happy, content. That's a better word. But I always drag myself down in thought. Like something has to be wrong. But things are wrong. A hundred things are wrong right now with my family. But I choose to ignore them and focus on my problems. Almost making them up as I go along. Problems for the sake of problems. There must be something wrong with me (there I go again). Maybe it's because I gave up something. No, I gave up on something. Something that made me different (love). Parenthesis hardly seems to cover the word. Yet I can't bring myself to throw it in with all the meaningless other words. So silly. I may not even be making any sense right now. But that's just okay.

Underneath My Eyes, My Face.

Hard ground
Nothing new though.
I want to stand and melt into the earth.
Then the sky could rock me back and forth.
And I could drift to sleep.
Eyes are open now.
And the earth is still beneath me.
Rock me to sleep please.
Turn off the lights.
And I'll dream for you.

I don't know. Maybe.

We all need something to distract us from ourselves. I use school and music and homework. And then I repeat. I don't know. I lost myself a few weeks ago. I've given up looking. And now I'm stuck. Maybe when I do eventually find myself, I won't like who I am. I'll be... I don't know. Bad. God wouldn't let me be that, would he? I'm so scared. We choose to be who we are. Right? I don't know. Anything. But what if I'm on the completely wrong path? What if finding ourselves is not what we're supposed to do? What if we're supposed to create ourselves completely. I've tried that though. I don't know where to start. I need just one step. A clue to help me find my body. And sanity. My talents don't help. They just tell me who I am physically. What about my inside? My feelings. Someone help please. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just over-reacting and maybe none of this makes sense. All I can do is keep distracting myself. School. Music. Homework.


Repeat.

Okay, So I Have a Tiny Obsession.

I am completely obsessed with a band called Jack's Mannequin. If you can't already tell. This is what I do during school. I like doodling, a lot.

The Colors Of A Television Killed My Body

The world spit out hot colors

And they sparked a fire in my heart.

But the fire burned down my body

So my soul lay helpless on the earth.

My heart heaved a breath and with it came nails.

While God sent a hammer down on a cloud

So there lay my soul, still with the dirt

Snow danced to its rescue and now I'm anew.

He gave me a step or, rather, my hands.

Build myself up from there.

Tonight, love and hands are my body.

-I'll write again when I write again, Olivia.

The Middle Is Cold, Or Maybe That's Just Winter.

I haven't written in a little. There's not much to say though. I'm still in between places. I don't know what those places are. Maybe that's why I'm in between. I'll let you know when I'm out of the middle.

The Blue Sea Hurt My Day(Cont.)

A window flies open and calls itself Real.
Every peice of sparkling life jumps into it and smiles.
While we sit together by a pond and dance along the mud
"Traitors" they sing but we take our breaths and jump away.
Abyss called affection, a cracked mirror perfection.
Tonight that's where we dream.

So Backwards walks up to us and kisses our cheeks
And night time flies over with star-like antiques.
Just don't hurt the clouds because Day needs them as jewels
But Harmony ran away with my red piano stool.

War is what we need , they said.
A war with kills and wounds and dead.
Though dreams are our food and you are the plate
We can't stop Inevitable and his daughter named Hate.

(second verse to come)
Battle made eclipse, an arm's race by ships.
Tonight that's where we sleep.

So Order walks up to us and slaps our cheeks
And night time flies over with knife-like antiques.
Now the clouds won't stop bleeding and Day's got red jewels
Because Harmony won't fly back, on my red piano stool.

This is what we need, they said.
These kills and wounds and innocent dead.
Though dreams are our food and peace is the plate
We can't stop Inevitable and his daughter named Hate.

The Blue Sea Hurt My Day.

A window flies open and calls itself Real.
Every peice of sparkling life jumps into it and smiles.
While we sit together by a pond and dance along the mud
Traitors they sing but we take our breaths and jump away.
Abyss called affection, a cracked mirror perfection.
Tonight that's where we dream.

So Backwards walks up to us and kisses our cheeks
And night time flies over with star-like antiques.
Just don't hurt the clouds because Day needs them as jewels
But Harmony ran away with my red piano stool.

-More to come I think.

A Beauty That Chills Our Souls.

Night is running towards us.

The sky is done celebrating.

Now it mourns in pain,

With deep, purple bruises resting on its face

And blood streaming over its arms.

How warm it looks.

While our throats frost,

Heaved with cold.

Selfish sky.

Forever unwilling to wrap its warm arms around our bodies.

Unpractical in its ways

But yet so beautiful.

The arrogance strikes us hard,

But we find ourselves too conscious with its loveliness.

And though we sit and stare in cold,

We must know there's something more behind our imperious sky.

-Olivia.

Jagged Clocks and Five Inch Rulers.

I finally think that I've lost my sense of time. A year and a day seem to mean the same thing to me now and I think a part of me likes it. I like the fact time passes unevenly now. I can go through a few weeks of life without noticing a change and then all of the sudden I realize the date. I know that time passes in the same way no matter how much our minds contradict it but it's sort of nice how days can pass seemingly quicker. Now I have no idea what this means. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm sort of losing my voice and my original thoughts that causes me to forget each day individually. Or maybe it's that I feel the same feelings day after day that makes time seem all the same. I don't want to forget myself for days at a time but I don't want to feel grief for long hours on hours either. Sometimes I even forget why I want time to pass so quickly. Why I don't just want to sit and enjoy the smaller things that highschool brings me. And then I remember why I wait so impatiently. I wait for summer. I think because summer offers me a shred of hope that people from lost memories will wander back to me. That's everything my heart knows and sometimes my mind seems to agree with it.

Also, it's getting harder for me to tell the difference between the shallow emotions I feel at school and such and the deeper emotions I feel. Is this because I'm forgetting? Afterall, I can't hold onto the memories forever. My memory is like ruler. I can't measure my whole life. This scares me to death. But I'm not going to think about that now, it's too early in the night.

Until I decide to chain myself to the computer agian, this has been a girl who wishes that she lived in a place where no one left too soon at 5:55 next evening.

A Life's Emotion

What we know is only a small portion of everything that fills our lives.
The words we use can sometimes be contemplated in different ways
In our minds we understand good and bad
And all the words used to describe those two things.
Every word we say or write or think
I believe is put together in a way that can be seen as beautiful.
Whether it be by the writer
Or by those who turn the words into something they love.
That, to me, is poetry.
Connecting together words that may or may not make sense to anyone else but the writer
But when the reader sees them
They change the words into something that reflects what they sincerely believe.
Everyone places their confidence in poetry
As it either reveals itself to the world
Or secretes itself to darkness.
Poetry passes the life of the writer
Onto those who have the courage to read on.
Every word we speak is seen by others in different ways
So I believe that it is in poetry we find love
And it is through words we find a life’s emotion.

I'm not quite sure what this is yet.

Scratches On My Skin.

I feel like I'm living in two different sides of myself. It's sort of like I have two different types of emotions. The happys and sads, I feel with my school and friends life and then the deeper emotions that I feel on more of a personal level. It's like the pain I feel on the school and friends side barely scratches the surface of my skin. But the pain I feel personally lives deep down under my skin. This personal level consists of something bigger than me. I don't know if it's love or if it's just the grief of missing someone. But I do know that it's there. And it's been there since a few summers ago. I know that it changed me. And I know that the emotions I feel because of it are so much deeper rooted than those of teenage dissapointments and adolescent excitement. Everyday I dive into that world called youth and I try my hardest to distract myself from what lies underneath my skin. I guess it's just spare time like this when I really start to think and miss. But I'm going to stop myself before I get too far(and too sappy).

Until the future this has been a girl who doesn't feel like wishing tonight.